Gone…

I did not know how I felt about you until you were gone
I knew I never hated you but did I loved you?
I wasn’t sure
I thought we were strangers, forced to live together
Never stopped to think how much I actually knew you
I miss watching documentaries on discovery and discussion we used to have about them
I miss making a morning cup of coffee, extra milk, extra sweet
I miss your humming every now and then
I miss your cooking, not that you were very good at it but still…
I miss watching your expressions while watching horror movies
you hated them, I could tell
but it was fun watching you pretend to be brave and unaffected for my sake
I miss your foot rub and your random hours of the philosophical rant
I miss stealing you blanket every night
I was never cold, I just wanted to annoy you but you never were
Now I have all the blankets and no one to share them with
I have never been so cold before
I miss you and I realized I love you
I always have
too blind to see, too slow to “get it”
too proud to confess
Now I wanna tell you, shout it out loud for the world to hear
ironic, right?
I never realized you were my world until you slipped through my fingers and left me so hallow…empty
Now I am looking at the sunset, remembering all those moments I never appreciated
My heart is heavy with regrets, nights never been this long
you were so right when you told me,
“You will miss me when I’m gone”
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Do you?

Do you feel alone in a room full of friends?
plain deaf to their conversations
Not because it’s not interesting or less exciting
but because you can’t relate to any of them
Do you think we would have turned out “normal”?
if we didn’t fall out
Do you think we could have it all?
if we could just move past our differences and turn the logical noise down
Do you stay awake too?
thinking, remembering nothing and everything, at odd hours of most nights
Do you still miss me or have moved on like everyone keeps reminding me?
I haven’t.
Maybe I never will
Do you remember those humming birds?
that you helped me recognized and talk for hours about why they fascinated you so much
I hope you are still feeding them
I still miss the garden I left behind
Hope you keep growing flowers where everything was once mine, died

Home

What is home? A place where you feel like you belong, your safe heaven, right? Is it possible to have a safe and loving home yet feel like you don’t belong there? I personally feel like I don’t belong here, in my “home”. This place never gave that feeling of belongness. It’s not the people, I can assure you that. I share my home with such good, caring and loving people. It’s just me. I always thought that I belonged somewhere else. I tried living in another country but I never felt like I belonged there either. I love to travel and I enjoy new cities, different culture, new scenery and learning about history all around the world. I have met many people and some have become lifelong friends. I know so many people but do I really feel close to them? No. There are hardly five people in my life who know me very well or don’t expect anything from me and let me be. Do I feel like I belong with those people? They say, “Home is not a place but a person”. But how can you belong to someone else? Isn’t it true that you belong to you, no one else? Places, people…they come and go. Places will change, people will change with time. You only have yourself to relay on. You belong to you. It’s been years and I am still learning and seeing change in myself every day. “Who am I” is still the question I haven’t figured out the answer to. All I know is, I feel this emptiness inside. Something is missing but I don’t know what. I don’t feel anything or have much attachment to the places I have lived so far or the things I own or people I have in my life. I care about them, I love them of course! But I am very aware that they won’t be there forever. In the end, you only have yourself to turn to.

There are moments when I feel like I am at “home”. When I read books and get lost in that world for hours. When I listen to some tunes and my heart beats with those beats. When I roam around in old castles and feel the old soul of those places and hear their stories through the stones. When I hear the wind at the sea shore at early morning and for few seconds I stop being “me” and just be. When I see flowers bloom on my balcony or when I get lost in my head while writing something…in those moments I belong.

I belong in the pages of my favorite books, I belong to my 3 am thoughts, I find myself in the music that’s not mine to begin with but I lose myself in anyway. I belong in random things I write, I belong to the sea and the sky…I belong to the moments that make me feel alive. Those moments are what I can call my home, my safe heaven, my true happiness and the place where I feel alive the most…

Sometimes home isn’t four walls, it’s two eyes and one heartbeat.

….

How ironic

The one I trusted the most

Gave me a reason not to trust anyone

I feel like fool for falling for your antics

What was I thinking?!

OH, right! I wasn’t

I defended you to the world

I stood up for you

Pretended to be happy even when it hurt

What did I ever do to you for you to turn your back on me

Or maybe I was just blind

Refused to see what was right in front of me

I am confused sad and heartbroken

But I am glad it happened

Now I am too aware

Too cautious, too insecure

But at least now I won’t be trusting a “friendly skin wearing” fox

Hey you,

Don’t look back, keep your back straight

Keep running princess, until your hills break

There is no path made of concrete

Stones and dust, dead leaves and water

It’s chaos out there but don’t be afraid

Find your way, make your way

Go where your heart leads

You will be fine

Trust me,

Put your crown back, Touch up your lipstick

Don’t mind the preying eyes

It’s not your fault that the world is sick

The fire is within you, spit it out and roar

No one can defend you but yourself

So sharpen your blade and attack until you reach the throne

 

 

 

 

Still single?…why not?!

Being single is a choice. It’s amusing to see how people react when you tell them that you are single by choice and their first reaction will be “why? Did something happen?”. People are so quick to judge and easily assume reasons for your non-existent love life. It’s funny how no one question women who are ready to marry some stranger after meeting them once or twice! No one cares when society make woman choose between marriage and career and she has to choose marriage over years of education and degrees and promotions for a man. No, that’s normal. That make sense.

What’s not normal is for a woman to choose career over a man, when a woman chooses to spend her life working, travelling, exploring the world and live the way she wants. It’s not right for a woman to choose her selfish need of freedom over being someone’s wife. It’s not worth it if you are running a business or working from home or doing 9 to 5 job if you still have your father’s name attached to you and not your husband’s. Something ought to be wrong with you if you want to remain single all your life! I mean c’mon! How will you survive without a man?! That’s insane!!

I think what people don’t understand is that Love is love. It has many shapes and forms. You may not have a lover doesn’t mean there aren’t people who doesn’t love you. Sure, a love between lovers are different than other relationships but there is no guaranty that it won’t burned out. I love when people get to marry someone they love. That make sense but sometimes people just can’t find that right person. Not everyone seek partner in the world. Believe it or not, people do have other priorities than finding someone to marry. Some do put themselves first, then an imaginary life that they may or may not have in future. What most of the people don’t get is, to fall in love isn’t same as finding a marriage partner. Not everyone gets to marry someone they Love, sure they “learn” to love that person eventually but that just goes against everything I believe about love.

There are many things this world has to offer. You can choose to explore it on your own or with your partner. It’s your choice. It’s all about choice. It should be about your preferences, your choice. Why force someone to marry a man or woman they don’t love? It’s no one’s right to take such decision about someone else’s life. No one owns anyone anything. We all are our own person. We all have different desires, different goals, different perspectives. No one is living a perfect life. We all can try to live to our fullest potential, that’s it. If some of us choose a different path than the rest of the world doesn’t make us wrong or rebel. Some like mountains more than beaches, some prefer midnight quiet more than sunrise. Some loves to soak in sunrays where other loves to dance in rain. All forms of happiness are beautiful, so why judge or criticize when someone doesn’t fit into your idea of happiness or your criteria of how to live your life?! Just live and let live! Peace.

Waking up

My heart doesn’t flutter with fear anymore

yelling, insults, compliments, greetings 

have become a plain noise, nothing more

I feel love, but I don’t feel attached

I feel pain but I don’t feel sadness, loneliness 

Is that good?

Is that bad? 

To feel everything but not really 

To see myself living from a different reality 

My glass has been full for years 

With guilt, with pain

With memories good and bad 

With regrets and pride

With ego and a sense of possessiveness of what’s “mine”

Now I feel empty, light

It’s like waking up in the same realm 

But this time I am not blind. 

Moving on..

Summer comes and summer goes

Every morning the sun keeps dancing with shadows

Nothing has changed yet everything feels so different

With every breath, I am leaving us more at a distance

I think you will notice

Will you?

One day you will wake up and realize how estranged we have become

Too awkward to meet the eye

Still friendly enough to steal a smile

I don’t feel bad for leaving you behind

Escaping from your shadow

Finding my foot on a separate road

Away from you

Away from “us”

Hoping you won’t miss the presence of me the way I’m missing yours

Wishing you have already found your foot in a world

Where there is no us.

Tell me

In the end all we want is

To be someone’s priority 

To be chosen by someone 

To be their whole world

But what will you do

When you can’t reciprocate 

When no matter what 

How hard you try

How much you try to feel

You just can’t seem to fall for them

Is it selfish?

To not return the love

Is it rude?

To not feel anything but guilt 

I can’t say sorry 

Because your love is not a mistake 

I can’t say I understand 

Because I clearly don’t 

What can I say 

What can I do

Tell me

How to love you without falling in love with you…

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